My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.


I truly don't. I used to be this whole different person.

26th September 2017


It's our 4th monthsary. I was looking forward to it. I couldn't wait to see him after class to spend our day together. The day turned out to be chaotic, but he fixed it by coming back. After our day, he talked about his feelings. I understood every bit he was saying, but I didn't had the guts to say a thing. My mind was filled with so many words and explanations, but I couldn't. & If I said this to him, he'll go "Malays all the same, it has always been that way" but truly, I wish he could see it though. 



He expressed about his unhappiness. He was unhappy with us.  He told me that the quality of love he feels is deteriorating for but he will still love me. What if I told him, I feel the same? I don't feel at ease, but if I did. He'll ask "okay, why?", self-pity he'll say. "You're just saying this because you got no other respond right?" that's him. 



When every single day, I question myself,  "Am I happy in this relationship?" I barely could even say yes. Isn't it strange how I keep quiet when answering my own question? Only because I badly want it to be a yes..



28th July 2018


We fought again. I came across this post, so i decided to continue writing my journey. After almost a year of being together, the struggle continues. As i'm writing this, i teared harder as i read the post above. How did i succumb to all the abusive words, the bad tempers, the constant blaming of being worthless? I thought those fights would end, but as the journey carries on, it was tougher. At the beginning i was losing myself, now, i don't know who i am and my identity. I used to be this carefree person who doesn't think so deeply when it comes to the way i live my life. But now everything seems to be managed, the believes and ideologies i hold would only be the cost of our fights. We are seated separately doing our school assignment now, i'm writing this behind his back, literally. 

https://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/957001/love-advice-man-with-a-temper

Run, Zahidah, Run. 

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