Head vs Heart

Sunday, 13 January 2013
Hello there, its been a year since I last blogged eh? haha. I practically have no time, at all. I'm so busy with school. Very busy. Wide awake at 1:37am, doing Amaths. I know right, hard working much? Its almost the second week of school. Things are going smoothly for me, thank god. So last few days ago, Olevel results were given out. It was compulsory for us to seat there and watch them, gosh and I feel so.. nervous all of a sudden. This year, It'll be my turn. Creepy, Scary. Yeah I guess. Most of my seniors were crying.. sigh. Eye candy was behind me, eep. Sat beside Amirah and Atheerah, fangirl with Amirah bout hers. hahaha. Okay anyways, I had CCA on that day itself. The Sec ones are having their cca trial, so.. I made friends with them, such qt pies. Hahaha, and I went back home. Thoughts running through my mind, contemplating whether or not should I ask L about his results. So I asked maybe a few guys for their opinion and they said it'd be fine, so guess what? I did. Once I reached my house bus stop, I took out my handphone and I dialled his number. Number deleted but i could still remember it, lol. Whats the point anyways. Hahahaha. So the phone rang, I was quite pretty much sort of nervous but I thought it through and I'm like "theres no need to feel this way, he's just a friend.. maybe". Phone ringing and he picked it up,
Me: "mm hello?" The background was really noisy could hear the tapping sound of the card. and his friends behind him.
Me: "hello?"
L: uhm hi..?
Me: hey, L. So how's ur results? 
L: uhm not so good, not really..
Me: how come..?
And it went out for about a few minutes, I even asked L that maybe one day we can just hang out with our friends but he seems so.. agitated. His voice. Well I know I seem fine, seem. After the whole talk once we hung up, I was so relieved I swear. I mean, for the first time I.. actually don't feel scared or sad.. I felt neutral. Its like i just ended a call with a friend, and not somebody i used to know. So here's the exciting part, I was about to enter the lift. When my phone vibrated, checked the caller ID and it was L. He called me back, I burst out of the lift straight away. lol.. and yeah, he said " Thanks for asking about me " something like that. Gotta admit after our whole conversation, It kept me thinking about him further which I'm not suppose to. I texted H after that, and told him about it. He's such a good friend, really. Told myself, I'll not fall in love yet not so soon, I'm not going to like anyone.. okay maybe the like kinda thing is fine, but getting to attached to anyone if we happen to like each other. I don't want that to happen. It's not that i'm scared that i'll get hurt again or something but, maybe for now. I just need my close friends around me, I don't want to leave them out just for a crush/lover boy kinda thing. To be honest, I don't know what I want. I don't even think that i have real actual "like" or "crush" feeling for anyone. Weird. Wait does eye candy count? hahahaa. It looks like L really really likes someone, good for him. He's moving on, but the question is.. am i still here? I don't know, its a complicated feeling really.. Don't want to claim that i still do "love" him, nor i "like" him but this feeling.. hmm. Can't explain it. It saddens me to see him change, seriously. I've never seen him frequently drinking.. yeah. drinking. But why do i care? oh wait, I do care. hahahaa. Maybe that's the only thing nice about me, No matter how much somebody hurts me. I still care. That depends though, Have they ever thought about it this way? Consider being friends with your ex again isn't a big deal cause we're still young and we'll probably laugh about it anyways when we're thirty but no. hmm guess only i have this mindset. The other day, I went to Kembangan with gf after POA. We had our usual talk again, I told her the whole full story of what happened, and I cried. fucking pathetic, I cried. Well, the reason why I don't know if I've.. moved on yet. whatever, I don't wanna let my emotions and feelings take over me. I'm better than this. The irony how i want to change into a better person, and he's there trying to be the bad guy. I'll stop here, gonna continue with Amaths, There's a test on Monday. Sigh Pie.