Found my answers.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Its 3 in the morning, and oh lookie here. its 12/12/12. ahhh.. 
Those questions i ask myself everyday, looks like it has been answered. Scrolling through my Skype Conversation wasn't a bad thing after all. Thanks Amirah. Today i realized, I'm the idiot all along. Wait, not really. Partly was his but whatever. Lets call him L, L.. why? Lri. Well only some would know. If only he knew all this while, those things I said in the conversation when we were friends.. I don't know what has gotten into me. I was so alone.. And I thought I had somebody, but i thought wrong. He had someone else, the reason why i had to cover up with a lie too. I didn't want to look so pathetic thinking it was only him that I had. But yeah, He was the only one. Its stupid how i still cry over those conversations we had, But hey. I found my answers. Now i know the reason why he deleted me off from instagram, unfollow me on twitter, deleted me off skype. Gosh I wont be surprise if he deleted my number too. Reason? He gave up on me. Have you ever had that feeling? When you've found those answers you've been trying so hard to look for and you want to fix it back but at the same time you feel like.. whats the point? Does he even want it back? Im not asking for the whole relationship to be okay, But our friendship. Does it even matter to him anymore? The thing i realized about our whole conversation was.. we both pretended we didn't need each other but what i see after i read it back again was... we really needed each other. Its like looking at a contest of who can act like they care less? its stupid really, both of us should have lowered our ego down. should. We had each other in the first place, but pride took over and I lost. I lost someone precious in my life. You, L. Yeah you. lol, im acting as if he's going to read this but naw. He wouldnt know how much he actually mean and meant to me. Despite the fact that you've changed into somebody i used to know, I guess that feeling.. Maybe that feeling i have or had for you.. is still exists within. Yes L, after causing me so much heartpain and that and this and that. You're still the one? ahh omg, zahidah you're being pathetic again omg noo. I guess having her around you is the only way you could move on, no? Yeah I know, cause i used to that too. Or maybe... i still am? Making them as a distraction. Or shall i say it in your term? 'using' them..? But in the end what if you really fell for them, L.. Guess you already did.. eventhough you said no. Girls think guys move on so easily when in fact the guys only make it seem like they do..? I wonder if its true. According to you. And no, I dont share secrets with any K M N O P.. I miss that friendship we used to have, when u could tell me every single thing without feeling uncomfortable. when you told me i had others to comfort me, no seriously the only person i comforting from was you. Whats the point now, Even if i had the guts to tell you right upfront in your face. would it change a thing? Life's been treating you good, treating me good. I guess. But going pass through the memory lane all over again is haunting me. Yeah, I may seem fine to you, probably you've thought i've moved on and have someone else. Thats when you always thought wrong. How could you not bloody see that i was jealous the whole time, and the fact that i wasn't okay with you talking to someone else 'flirting'. ahhhhhh molto stupido. I've yet to know one last question.. but i'll save it for the right time. 

Till the day i find someone new.. thats when i'll stop loving you.

fuh i sound so.. cheesy. hahahahaha. but no. seriously.