Dear diary,

24th November, 2015   This one's for you, A.C Yesterday, I let you go. I'm sorry, I should've held on tight. Should've. Tried to keep you close to me but only to feel more distant away from you. I'd blame you for this, for not fighting for me to stay.  And blame you then for knowing where I stand. But I cant. It was my fault for Ive broke down my own walls to let you in. Gave you my all but I had no regrets, the things I feel and the things I did. And though there are times that you hurt me and put tears on my face, it pains me to say you know I'll be there at the end of the day. You're the first guy I wanna run up to, to let you know how's my day. And I want to be okay, when I hear about yours. I wanna annoy you so much and make stupid jokes. And for us to, never get tired of each other. Like how we planned before. But right now, I'm just.. hurt. It's not supposed to be like this, I was supposed to feel numb. or not feel anything a...

You're such a cutie. Haha I love you annoying.  When you want to sleep next to bae but he's 3000 miles away, so you make an empty space for each other virtually hehe Weak connection but our hearts stronger hehe 

20th November, 2015 I  don't know what's wrong with me after his departure from SG. I honestly don't know.. So today he told me he's going on a date after five days in Doha. That's fast. I guess I accidentally freaked. I didn't expect my reaction either. I know I wanna be there for him but to listen to his stories afterwards.. Mm.  I don't know what to feel. Everything's all jumbled up, and he's the only person I can talk to about this but at the same time I don't. & do you know how annoying it is that he could just go with the flow? And seem so cool about it? That's where I know how much I'm worth it. And honestly speaking, I love how he bs when he says he loves me. I guess half of my heart wants to hear it too. I guess asking him to take the challenge to stop talking to me for a week would work out for me. I'd figure out what's all this about, but I'm sure I don't want to lose him. He's the first person I wanna...

"You're the happiness I asked God for" 18 November, 2015 You meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you, and then you meet one person and your life is changed.. Forever.  Mm, went out with Amirah today. It was great, it's been a while. From talking about ex boyfriends to friends to our future trip, super excited about it. Five days already? That's fast. 1817 days left till you come back, that's if you do. I'll be counting the days to when I'll ever see you again.  Went through Twitter and saw a post about "why chase the ones who don't love you, you're probably so blinded by him that you forget what's in front of you"  I've always wondered, adakah perasaan ini sebenarnya cinta? Aku pun tak pasti. Apa itu cinta? Is it really doing things for that one person and not expecting it in return? Pelik kan, ku tak pernah buat sesuatu begini untuk sesiapa pun. Apatah lagi daripadaku. Mm. Maybe one day I'll know the tr...

14 November, 2015 It's been only a day since he left. Weirdly, all I can think about is him. Well, my friendship with him. I hate how attached  and unattached we both are. Along the way, Ive also realised that no matter how many miles away we're from each other. I don't think I can ever lose a friend like him. No matter how much I find fault with him, at the end of the day. I'll always be the one who says sorry first. Sucks but it's true. And if one knows me well enough, I'll never be the first one to admit to my mistakes. In this 'relationship' that we have/had, we turn off all feelings but I gotta admit. On some days, it'll switch on  by accident. Even if I don't want it to. I guess I've also realize that, no matter how one built up their walls so high they'll have a soft spot for the ones they actually truly care about. And again, it's sucks. Sucks even more to find out that don't mean nuts to him, okay I guess I do there are d...