Love

24th November, 2015 

This one's for you, A.C

Yesterday, I let you go. I'm sorry, I should've held on tight. Should've. Tried to keep you close to me but only to feel more distant away from you. I'd blame you for this, for not fighting for me to stay.  And blame you then for knowing where I stand. But I cant. It was my fault for Ive broke down my own walls to let you in. Gave you my all but I had no regrets, the things I feel and the things I did. And though there are times that you hurt me and put tears on my face, it pains me to say you know I'll be there at the end of the day. You're the first guy I wanna run up to, to let you know how's my day. And I want to be okay, when I hear about yours. I wanna annoy you so much and make stupid jokes. And for us to, never get tired of each other. Like how we planned before. But right now, I'm just.. hurt. It's not supposed to be like this, I was supposed to feel numb. or not feel anything at all. Atleast the most, happy. When you told me the things you did to her, it reminded me of us. How we used to be. And I just thought, am I that easy to be replaced? Or are you that boring that you have the same tricks up your sleeves. Like this was your plan all along? Although you've said it a gazillion times, I'm pretty sure I'm not. But I know I am replacable. Did you mean it when you said, "I think about you, more than I'd like to say"? Or was it just one of your ways to make me feel happy. I know you so well when it comes to being sarcastic n annoying hahaha.

Remember there's a part of us that trusts and don't trust each other at the same time? Honestly, I trust you with all my heart, or else I wouldn't be like this. I'm angry and frustrated at how you chose her instead of me. I could be jealous but I'm also angry at how you can open up so easily to people now when I had to put in a lot of effort to stand at where I am. Just a close friend of yours who's just a "security officer". I put you first, and that's my mistake. 

I meant it when I say I love you. Gross but it's true. Like more than a friend less than a..? Ugh You wouldn't know, I myself don't. So I need to figure it out. But I hate you too, so much I wanna punch myself in the face. And it's not you I want to hurt, it's me. 

I may not be ok now, but I'm sure time will heal all wounds. And if it's meant to be, it will be even if you didn't ask me to stay.