Dear diary,

Hi, i swear. my feelings for you right now. its like, half of them, gone. when you walked pass me, nothing. i mean nothing, like u know when youre still in love that feeling. gone. sometimes i tell myself, isit true? that my feelings for you, is fading? cant believe it. really, but somehow the feeling to not give up. its still there. urgh. maybe, just maybe. im over you. but whenever, whenever i look at you and i see you smiling at some other girls, or maybe just joking around with them. ouch, it hurts, and furthermore. what do you care? you're selfish, rude, and mean. you've changed. alot, 08october. i dont think, you remembered. the tears, the laughter, the memories we've shared. how do you act as if it doesnt hurt? k whatever. my only wish, someday you would realised how much you mean to me, and i hope the memories will kill you one day, like how it killed me. so today? hahaha, awesome. we were like going back and forth after school, well me and amirah. went to canteen, ...

28/01/11. fuck youu shaziq! for not coming, hahahaha. k whatever, so went to school. daily same routine, GUESS WAD. I SAW LUCAS AGAIN, this time i sat infront of him. wohooo ~ k dah shutup, i reached bedok. i turned to look at him, he already looked at me ! then he waved and smile, omgggggggzxc la. Art lesson, was a picnic session. hahahaa, everyone in my table brought food but it wasnt planned. hehehee, Ifaaf bought cookies, thila bought kinder beuno, i bought nuggets. zakiyah, well. she kemot ah, CHEH. then IH, hahahaha. I paid attention in class, such a goodie good girl. aww. Recess, hmm. I didnt eat, i had to like talk to this girl who find fault with a friend of mine, yeah. i swear, she look so FUCKING INNOCENT, but after i heard the things she said, wahh. So yeah, walked to her table. tell her off, she looked at me as if like she's gonna cry, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. omg, im such a bastard. blahblahblah, he walked the table i was like standing at purposely to hear what we were sayi...

when there's love there's hope? so um, yeah. today school, great? i guess. went to school, saw alif at inter talked to him, oh! before that, daddy woke up again, to give me breakfast (': love you daddy. sent me of to the mrt, took a seat. then daydreaming, and u know wad? suddenly lucas walked pass me, smiled and waved. OMG. i was like, hehehehe. to myself. k gile i know. reached school, raining. got off bus, he's there. like right beside me, stupid alif walk so fast. then i catch up, he drop his floorball stick :P walked to the canteen, people stare. we like so kecoh can, with our tie and all. HAHA. then other table, u know who stared. wadeveee. oh, went up school hall. then took pledge blahblahblah. firs period, PE ! played the flyfly thingy. dont know how spell. scold yiyi :P hehee, bastard ah. CT, was boring. really boring, madam rubiah ahmad ah -.- oh! here's the best part recess. so i was buying my food, at the malay stall. and so a few mintues later he came, ...

nope, not anymore. now you're one little mr- gangstaa wannabe. gosh, please dont mix with the wrong people. i miss the old you so much :'( im sorry that the incident we've been through changed us. oh! did i mention, that he actually asked me, ifaaf, shaziq out? for lunch or something. but in the end he canceled it cause he didnt feel like going, gosh. i wonder why, all of a sudden he asked :/ it was like on the monday, then i went crazy and shit. hahahaa. but, in the end. he claims that he was busy, then today while i was back to school accompanying shaziq, he walked pass with jeremy, hmm. it was an excuse though, oh well. idk, i felt so happy when he asked, but then after cancelling it its like, wadeva. okay moving onnnnnnn! so yeah, today errrrr. ummmmm. woke up at like 5 plus, daddy jumped out of his bed, omg. he woke up for me to make breakfast cause he say, its the most important meal of the day. hahaha, cute or wad. he very sweet la. blahblahblah, must be there at lik...

Fuck this shit, i think im jealous. :/ oh well. 25/01/11 lets talk about yesterday, so umm tuesday. maths, blahblahblah. mother tongue, bullcrap shitos. blahblahblah, pe. ohh! drama, beside my table, well jarett's table. hmm, dont wanna mention it here. blahblahblah. ishine was awesome, miss anisah was like talking about sex ab- something, hahahahaha! she said, girls have more umm, how to say uh. like protected. hahahah, laugh here and there, guys were thinking dirty. wad th' f. English, all the wayy. I kpo, went to miss parvin's table and take her chop thingy for toilet break :P hehehehe, i chop every of my book. so the budak kecil, ohh well. home, hmm, was english. I did all the work, just asked su ying to re-write wad i wrote :P sec2 enrichment sucksssssss. but it was awesomee. salman from 213, i think made everyone laughed because of his gigi :B and the 'cannot close his mouth' properly. hoho. then when, err. i forgot, i think we went back home or slack somethin...

nevernevernevernevernever. and please stop bugging shaziq. asking him why i cant let go, i didd nowww. bluekkkkkkkk, moved on. proved you wrong. HI. dont u ever miss those times? where we will ALWAYS go to airport after school. then, asking shaziq to go infront so that we can have our alone time together. Meeting banjo, going tampines one roof top holding hands, and some other things. u playing with my hair, i lying down on your leg. hmm, thanks to me. i've changed everything ~ i even changed you :/ i blame myself for it. yesssss, okay i get it. i can be the most annoying person you ever met, despite all of our fights. to be truthful you are the best i ever had, i meant. the words i said, im just too insecure. im moving, moving on. being ur friend is all i ever wanted, a normal friend. no fights no nothing, no looking back. just friends, hope you know who u are. xoxo, ((; omg, i know i sound like a despo freak. urgh, i swear i hope karma hits on him back. hard. so yeah, this post i...

tww, fuck you. gtfo. 20/01/11. thursdayyyyyyyyyyyy! hee, sucks. had drama, by that not the cca la. the, real thing. omg, idk whats his problem, all i want him to do is just fuck off my life. everytime i try to avoid him, he keeps coming back, sumpah irritating. like freaking EVERYWHERE ok. EVERYWHERE, kill me. please. i need a counsellor, but that bloody shit wont help though. I think ms nura can help :) i hope. she's the nicest teacher, to me, so had PE. had to run, ikr. the stupid relay, tired. i didnt stop, hoho. yesaaaaaah! so proud of myself. -wavewave- ICT, texted peopleeeeee, hehehe. that year head in my class, wads her problem man. recesss, uhm. i forgot wad i did, but yeah. hahahahahhaha. k im so retarded. scienceee, i had to present this vanguard sheet filled with the science stuff, and blahblah. maths? while walking, i looked up at the next level. yeah, i saw his classmates, gosh. omg, stop it can. then his friend all trying to find for him, nabei. omg, get this. im over...

hate your ego. tuesday, 18/o1/10. to me, this day is like the most awesomest day among the others, since the others are like our daily routine. fucking boring, i swear. k wadever. so first period was math, nothing happened. cause miss ginny pig didnt come today! yayy! what an oinkoink. hate her please, like ttm. mother tongue, wasss as usual. Ifaaf disturbed johan with the,"jo jo joget" HAHAHA. k, adnan mother tongue he winked at me. omg, -faints- ok. kidding, recesss. as always, the gile me comes back. OH AND U KNOW WAD. ON MONDAY I LOST MY FREAKING PHONE. & i bought a new one in the end :) hehehehe, my darling xperia. hoho, x10. got it like, yeah. the next day itself. ohh yeah *shakes butt* hoho, my parents didnt scold me about the phone. well, nagged yeah. of course la, but didnt scold like crazy. hee. ok! getting back to this. shine was awesome, u know the guy, i used to call i meant the teacher he very the botak depan. he look so fierce but actually he's not. Shi...

well yeah, i do. all the time actually, eventhough some people think i've moved on. maybe, he himself too thought so. oh well. heee, today? pretty much boring. so ummm, yeah. lets just talk about yesterday and today, okayokayokay? Wednesday, 19/o1/1o early in the morninggggggg, woke up at ummmm, 530. hehee, abit later cause, got PAL. maths, omg. didnt study, die. whatever, then blahblahblah, as always met shaziq to go to school together went to mac had breakfast, omg. early in the morning in mac, theres like 3 dudes. so cute, i swear. k, dah shut up. Mei ying followed me too :) she wanted to accompany me, or else she would be in school, bored. so yeahhh, ate then we talked about 'stuffs' took the bus then blahblahblah. reached school at about 735? hugged ben, as always. talked, and yeah. okay! sorry about the constant yeah, but im like kinda lazy to explain. after pal, recess with the sec ones. i dont know why, but i kinda detest them, they are soo.. different. okay moving ...

“Why can’t I simply ignore you?”. This question had been lingering on my thoughts since the day we’ve got things done. I’ve been mentioning too many goodbyes and moving on, yet at the end of the day, I still end up noticing how you have been. I just can’t keep up with myself. I’ve been trying and up to now, I’m still trying my very best to get things done. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. Trust me. This feeling makes me feel so sick and stupid. Why does my heart keeps on pre-entering my motives and plans of simply getting over? I wonder myself. But, it seems like at the end of each and every day, this question keeps on getting into my system. And soon, it looks like I’m gonna get used to it. I never stopped dreaming that one day, when you walk by me, I won’t feel anything anymore. I never stopped hoping that one day I’ll get over things as if nothing happened. But, for now, this question slowly kills me. “Why oh why can’t I simply ignore you? Hi! lets blog about yesterday, since ...

im just hoping, wishing that some miracle would bring us together. but from the way i see it, i dont think, its ever gonna happen. heard you like someone, from another level. great, and i thought i could trust your words, the one when you said,"I'll never give up on you, you're the hardest girl i could ever get" well, something like that. gosh, i wonder if you mean those words you once said to me, dont you know? i still remember most of our memories? now, do you? the song mine by taylor swift, you dedicated it to me, the video clip. aww so cute, you're so adorable. well, yeah. i wasnt the sweet one when i was with you, cause i wasnt really in love with you back then, until you left me. that was when i realised i should have treasured you. 08october, will you be back? :/ hihi! today, is probably the best day ever. Im such a happyhappy bitch, first things first! woke up, tralallaal. went to school, went up to the mrt, OMG FUCKING BITCH ITS LUCAS CHIA MAN HON. well, ...

Wednesday , 12/01/10 gosh, this day sucks. alot. but yeah, i dont know i was just overreacting i guess. the other subjects was okay, whenn maths, i came out. and i heard about something that i didnt wanna hear. so yeah, i held on to my tears, but somehow it cant so it all when down rolling, gosh. caleb was like,"oi zahidah, why u cryin'?" ifaaf was like, k let it all out ~ adnan, was like, o.o whywhywhy, told them why. he likes someone else, i guess. from idk, sec one? some girl, called. hmm, angel? k. wadever, i cried like nobody's business, ifaaf was like trying to hug. i kinda screamed at her then i ran away, i think he saw me with a tissue in my hand, i looked away. gosh, i looked so stupid. i was such in a bad mood, i like cried the whole time. fuck this shit, then when i got back it was only a fucking rumour, bloody -_- my eyes tired you know. then blahblahblah. k dah. can you pleaseee, understand that youre the only person i loved. and not ever willing to give ...

tuesday, 11/01/10 why do you have to change ? :/ Hihi. so err, yah. today's school? was umm, some sort of okay. i guess, yesterday was really fvcking depressing. gosh, you do not want to know wad happened. i guess, now. me and him are friends? well, not really. Still strangers though, in reality. this sucks, i mean. i've been giving myself high hopes and nothing ever comes true. im trying my best to do something but he just.. i dont know, doesnt give a fuck? anyways. oh, after school today ate at kembang, we walked around. it was fun, till some dog barked at us, and some cat stared. lolll, walked past his house, so big. hee, Jalan Selamat the house number 40. i remembered^^. we walked, we gossiped, we dream big. and we sat near his house, a nearby bench. and a cat suddenly appeared from the drained. amirah la, she scream then the cat frightened run away. idiot. hahahaha. we were wasting our time there causeee well, we were waiting for shaziq, to come back from thee you know mu...

uhuh, i dont know. i cant fucking hold the tears anymore. Im just, idk. not myself, so well today. I went to school with -insert name- and yeah, we walked to kembangan together and bullshit. While walking pass, his house. we didnt really expect to see him, so -insert name- hides but failed. good thing i knew how to go to school myself, using the bloody light thingy. I swear it was freaking dark, and scary and yeah. then, idk. when i saw him , i just broke down. gosh, i swear i look so stupid. haish, have my sit at the canteen, alone. then yeah, continued. good thing ben came, he cheered me up :) thats really sweet of him, but yeah this sucks. i dont know how long i could really take this any longer. He moved on, he looks duper happy without me. I think i should do the same, except about the moving on part. ohh, during pe. no mood. i swear, dont know why. gosh, i sat alone, and one P.E teacher came up to me asking. "why arent you sitting with your other classmates?" I said, ...

Okay, but it kinda suck. Alot. Bitch, just ask. :)

really, im done trying, but at the same time im waiting :/ eventhough i know it wont happen. i swear, i fucking miss our texts and shit. goshh, i wished i didnt say any of those words. and i kinda learn something. in relationships, i cant be yourself. cause, every single time i do, idk. its just that somethings not right, for all i know. I'll show my true colours to the person i really thing i can last with :/ First day of school, great. I guess, awesome. woke up at like, 520am. bathe, tralalala wad shit. texted amirah, otw to the bus stop. Forgot the teddy i was suppose to give her, heh. So i ran all the way back just to give her birthday gift back, aww. so sweet right, hehehe. then blahblahblah, reached mrt platform. surprisingly saw akram andd .. Jarett -.-took the train lalalala, and yeah, got off at bedok. Saw zakiyah, hugged. omg, miss her so much la can, thennnnnnnnn decided to wait for the rest when really -.- i wanted to go school alone. got down the bus, and the annoying ...