Dear diary,

I truly don't. I used to be this whole different person. 26th September 2017 It's our 4th monthsary. I was looking forward to it. I couldn't wait to see him after class to spend our day together. The day turned out to be chaotic, but he fixed it by coming back. After our day, he talked about his feelings. I understood every bit he was saying, but I didn't had the guts to say a thing. My mind was filled with so many words and explanations, but I couldn't. & If I said this to him, he'll go "Malays all the same, it has always been that way" but truly, I wish he could see it though.  He expressed about his unhappiness. He was unhappy with us.  He told me that the quality of love he feels is deteriorating for but he will still love me. What if I told him, I feel the same? I don't feel at ease, but if I did. He'll ask "okay, why?", self-pity he'll say. "You're just saying this because you got no other respo...

2nd December, 2015 Hello. I guess it's true, time does heal all wound. I'm okay now. It took me a week to realize that all i need is space. Time away from you. And during that time, I've learned and accepted that you won't be the same person as you were before. & It's okay because people change. They meet new people everyday, and they discover new things. You told me to give you time to balance between friendship and the one you love, I'm giving you the time. And if you ever need me, I'll always be here for you. Just know that. I may not not and can't be there physically anymore but just know you can still treat me as your homie, your bff5lyf. Cause i cool. hahahahahahah, you can totally imagine me saying that right? I funny. You better let me know if she hurt you, I'll find her and confront her. I'm not even kidding though. Okay maybe a little, cause if not you won't tell me where she is. hahahaha.  Is it wrong to say that I miss you...

24th November, 2015   This one's for you, A.C Yesterday, I let you go. I'm sorry, I should've held on tight. Should've. Tried to keep you close to me but only to feel more distant away from you. I'd blame you for this, for not fighting for me to stay.  And blame you then for knowing where I stand. But I cant. It was my fault for Ive broke down my own walls to let you in. Gave you my all but I had no regrets, the things I feel and the things I did. And though there are times that you hurt me and put tears on my face, it pains me to say you know I'll be there at the end of the day. You're the first guy I wanna run up to, to let you know how's my day. And I want to be okay, when I hear about yours. I wanna annoy you so much and make stupid jokes. And for us to, never get tired of each other. Like how we planned before. But right now, I'm just.. hurt. It's not supposed to be like this, I was supposed to feel numb. or not feel anything a...

You're such a cutie. Haha I love you annoying.  When you want to sleep next to bae but he's 3000 miles away, so you make an empty space for each other virtually hehe Weak connection but our hearts stronger hehe 

20th November, 2015 I  don't know what's wrong with me after his departure from SG. I honestly don't know.. So today he told me he's going on a date after five days in Doha. That's fast. I guess I accidentally freaked. I didn't expect my reaction either. I know I wanna be there for him but to listen to his stories afterwards.. Mm.  I don't know what to feel. Everything's all jumbled up, and he's the only person I can talk to about this but at the same time I don't. & do you know how annoying it is that he could just go with the flow? And seem so cool about it? That's where I know how much I'm worth it. And honestly speaking, I love how he bs when he says he loves me. I guess half of my heart wants to hear it too. I guess asking him to take the challenge to stop talking to me for a week would work out for me. I'd figure out what's all this about, but I'm sure I don't want to lose him. He's the first person I wanna...

"You're the happiness I asked God for" 18 November, 2015 You meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you, and then you meet one person and your life is changed.. Forever.  Mm, went out with Amirah today. It was great, it's been a while. From talking about ex boyfriends to friends to our future trip, super excited about it. Five days already? That's fast. 1817 days left till you come back, that's if you do. I'll be counting the days to when I'll ever see you again.  Went through Twitter and saw a post about "why chase the ones who don't love you, you're probably so blinded by him that you forget what's in front of you"  I've always wondered, adakah perasaan ini sebenarnya cinta? Aku pun tak pasti. Apa itu cinta? Is it really doing things for that one person and not expecting it in return? Pelik kan, ku tak pernah buat sesuatu begini untuk sesiapa pun. Apatah lagi daripadaku. Mm. Maybe one day I'll know the tr...

14 November, 2015 It's been only a day since he left. Weirdly, all I can think about is him. Well, my friendship with him. I hate how attached  and unattached we both are. Along the way, Ive also realised that no matter how many miles away we're from each other. I don't think I can ever lose a friend like him. No matter how much I find fault with him, at the end of the day. I'll always be the one who says sorry first. Sucks but it's true. And if one knows me well enough, I'll never be the first one to admit to my mistakes. In this 'relationship' that we have/had, we turn off all feelings but I gotta admit. On some days, it'll switch on  by accident. Even if I don't want it to. I guess I've also realize that, no matter how one built up their walls so high they'll have a soft spot for the ones they actually truly care about. And again, it's sucks. Sucks even more to find out that don't mean nuts to him, okay I guess I do there are d...

"Maybe we’ll meet again, when we’re slightly older and our minds less hectic, and I’ll be right for you and you’ll be right for me. But right now I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart." —  (via  bl-ossomed ) Thursday, 24th September 2015 It's been a year since i've last blogged. Hello Wello. A lot has happened the past few months of 2015, but i'm glad i'm still alive today. Alhamdullilah. I've lost a few people in my life during the past few months. People come and go. They became the people we never thought they'd ever become. Its sad really, but I'm glad I let things go without any regrets. They say having a best friend from the opposite gender will never workout in the end. Well, believe what they say. It doesn't. I lost my best friend of 5 years because why? I fell for him. Cliche but I never saw it coming. He's not exactly the kind of person I would ever fall for, he's.. different.  We fough...

& Apparently I did. I don't need any negativity in my life. Not from you guys. Friday, 19 September 2014 These past six month was an eye opener for me. Yes, It's school i'm referring to. I should have learnt my lesson about trust. " Dear me, do not trust anyone. If you want to trust someone, they have to gain your trust." The people I thought I could trust stabbed me behind my back and that's when I realized how gullible I am. There are a few (names cannot be mentioned) that I told myself to stay away from them. Those are the dangerous kind of people.  Its amazing to listen to what people have to say about you, and the best part. The things that aren't true. People just love a juicy gossip huh? You can't always please everyone that's another thing I've also learned. I wouldn't have survived school if it weren't for a great friend of mine, I'm thankful to have met someone like her. It was really unexpected to actually be t...

Friday, 11 April 2014 ^ My reaction whenever I hear people talk shit about me ESP at work. Its funny because even I've never heard of it nor have i ever recalled saying it. Its coming to a month since I've worked, and lately things have been really interesting. I've learnt a few things so far like ; to not trust anyone, to be mindful of the things i say. My mistake & atleast I've learnt from it. Never reveal too much about yourself, make it as though you're a mystery that needs to be solved. I won't elaborate much, let bygones be bygones. "After school life, you can never trust anyone"

Friday, 28 March 2014 Hello. Well, yeah. I'm back, after a month. These past few weeks has been really interesting for me lately. If you didn't know, I'm working at Changi Airport, T3 as an Aviation Security Officer (pt) while waiting for poly to start in a few more weeks. It's my first job, and I gotta admit. I actually like my job for a part timer. I always look forward to come to work, but Its so tiring.. to earn your own money. Its such a hassle. I made a lot of new friends, I'll name a few. Eric, Izahan, Evon, Ben, Sye ling, Wendy, Beryl, Boonsing and Xinyu. We're all freaking close during work, its amazing how we can actually stick together. Other than them, I've made... a few other colleague mates that happens to be in the same team as me. I don't know where to begin, currently at work right now. Guys are crushing all over me,are they blind? I'm only considered as average honestly, but i guess they don't see "average" girls...

  Tuesday, 11 February 2014 Day 2 of work. & I'm dead beat. I've to travel to Jurong East for this couple of days for work. Well technically, it's not really work... its uhmm 'training'. They train us first before we get to work in the Airport departure or arriving halls. Looks like I have no choice but get used to it. Besides, I'm going to start school soon and I'll have to travel further. Sigh pie. What to do? I guess it's fate. I'm fated to be in that particular poly(since i never really tell people where i'm posted to) and find... "the one" Well that's what my dad hopes HAHA. I'm just kidding, I made a promise to a certain someone that I won't be in a relationship. I'll see how long that promise would last.  Well, I don't know where to begin. I was scrolling through twitter when I came across a tweet &.. a tinge of sadness swept over me. But I didn't really care because it was just a crush ...

Saturday, 8th February 2014 An incident happened yesterday or shall I say a few hours ago. Nothing 'big', Just something unexpected.. but I swore i could have seen it coming. The guy that I blogged about a week ago? He isn't the kind of guy I thought he was. I admit.. i judged him too quick. But hey, you can't blame me right? thought maybe this time it's going to be different (apparently not). Yeah I was and still am disappointed that he wasn't the guy, I expected him to be, but life goes on. So what exactly happened? We were supposed to hang out today, just me and him. The last time we went out was like a week ago.. and that was a uhm.. super short impromptu kinda thing. We kept postponing the days to meet, sometimes I'll be the one avoiding and then he will.. So I thought maybe today won't be like any other days whereby he has relatives to visit. He told me after work he'd meet up with me & head to the beach. But I got stood up because he...

                        Monday, 3rd February 2014 Season finale of the carrie diaries & can I tell you how sad it is to know Sebastian broke up with Carrie in the end? That sucked. I'm hoping for a season 3. 🙏  Alot has happened this week & the week before. I, I met someone. Someone new, and all I can say is right now. He is my definition of perfect. Why? He's smart, he can draw well, he can play the guitar & not to mention he is amazingly cute. Well basically, he's my "ideal" boyfriend. But to me, he's too good to be true. Usually people would say that you won't get the things you want. For example, my sister wanted a tall man as her husband and she didnt, she got the total opposite. Anyways, this guy. How I met him? If I told you. You'd never believed me because (rarely guys nowadays) would do make this move. So here how it goes,  One fine day, my family decided to go to bedok mall (they've...

                                               Saturday, 25 January 2014 Weekends? I usually don't blog during weekends but something surprising happened today. & I just had to pen down my thoughts. So remember when I said bestfriend couldn't speak to me again? I was wrong. Everything did went smoothly and yeah we're still talking. I'm super glad, I don't ever wanna lose him. Basically, he's like my other half. But the sophisticated-goodie-two-shoes kind, while I on the other hand isn't. We're two different people but we sure can click. Anywhosies, I went for religious class today and he wasnt there. He told me he's going to an it fair at expo cos he needs a new laptop, when all of a sudden I too decided to join in. Besides, it's been weeks since I last saw him (Kinda missed my bff) so I decided that maybe my parents could took me there. Had dinner blablabla, ...

                            Saturday, January 25 2014 Wow, the last time I blogged was a few weeks ago. Time does fly by quickly, its already 1:20am. I think I'm suffering from insomnia (lol), sleeping at 5am in the morning and waking up at 2 in the afternoon. Yes that's basically my daily sleeping routine. 😓 bohoooooo. So what have I been doing staying up all night? Oh simple! Watching sex and the city. I honestly fell in love with their whole series, they're like my love advisers. Yes I know I sound ridiculous but hey, it kinda made me want to change into someone better. Hahahaha.                                          Not only do they give great sex advice but also relationship advices. Yes, I am aware that I am alittle too young but hey it could come in handy for the future(most likely when I'...

                               Friday, 10 January 2014   New year? New start? I dont think so, well thats not what i had planned in mind. As i was just about to say, things are going smoothly with my bestfriends. A new problem has arouse, so basically bestfriend told his mum about what he did yesterday which was hanging out with me. His mum suspects something about him and I don't think she likes it, and the only solution now is for us to stop talking. Completely. Well, in the mean time I hope. But since he's busy with his JC life, and soon I'll be busy with mine. I can safely say, this friendship will remain. I hope . A lot has happened during these past few months, God showed me the right way. The right path of choosing my friends, and now I've learned that no matter how long you've known a person or has been friends ...

"THEY SAY TO BE YOURSELF, BUT WHEN YOU DO. THEY JUDGE YOU."  Saturday, 15 June 2013 Y'know after thinking a lot and constantly crying-yourself-to-sleep, listening to advises. I  finally came into my senses and realize that you can never please anyone in your life especially your friends. Well, not all of them. Just some. Those are the people that would bring you down and you have to put them aside and just ignore them. You don't have to care about what they say, Just be yourself. People make mistakes, and often don't realize it, like me. Okay well, I have a scenario. Imagine, your friends the ones you can always count on in life.. actually.. bailed on you. Just like that, they stopped talking to you they act as if you're not there and basically they just treat you like a stranger. And of course, if it was you. What would you do?  Play along? Try to fix things? Or just delete them out of your life? After all, it is your life and if there's nothing yo...

Saturday, 1 June 2013 For a certain someone,  Ada sebabnya mengapa aku menulis dalam bahasa melayu, bukan hanya  kerana keesokan hari ada peperiksaan gce o'levels tetapi juga aku tidak mahu sesiapa yang berbangsa lain tahu tentang perkara ini. Walaupun, agak kelaka tetapi dengarlah apa yang aku harus salurkan.  Apa yang telah terjadi antara hubungan kami berdua? Adakah engkau kesah jika persahabatan ini ataupun tidak. Aku tahu yang aku ini seorang yang penakut kerana tidak dapat mengatakan kejadian ini berhadapan denganmu. Sebenarnya, aku tidak faham akan kejadian kami. Sebelum ini, awak mengatakan tidak mengapa jikalau aku berbual dengan si dia.. Aku pun mengatakan tidak mengapa kalau awak mahu dengan si dia, (kawan baik awak sekarang) tetapi apabila awak bersama dengan dia, sikap awak terhadapku berubah. Aku hairanlah, jika sebab kebetulan nye tentang ini? Adakah dia telah menyebut perkara yang tidak pasti kepadamu? Yang telah membuat awak berubah? Ataupun kerana awak s...

May 15, Wednesday To be honest, I don't know where to begin. Everything's a mess, or maybe just me. I guess I'm being paranoid, but I don't think so because things that I don't wish to happen, happened. My girlfriends and I are drifting away and yknow what's the best part? Our excuses are 'busy schedules' or 'different plans'. I don't know, I don't blame them either. I gotta admit, I've not been much of a good friend to them lately. It's just that, I don't know what to say. Everything is just plain awkward shit, it's like M doesn't like the guy I'm with cause they used to be a thing well.. Not really a "thing" but best friends kinda thing but he/she is now close to my used to be close friend and..... Me and him aren't talking yup because of one incident, I don't know how to say it but things just happen and we stopped talking..? So I guess he/she is awkward with me cause maybe he/she is afraid tha...